This is no ordinary turtle. This is a very special, modern, and highly connected turtle. He has the latest super-duper GPS technology built into his shell, which he was using to try to find his way back to the river. I found him in the field behind my building, looking confused, but not willing to admit fault. 

The moral of the story is this: If you want to get here faster than a turtle, don't rely on your GPS. It will not work. If you are not clear on the directions before you leave cell service, call me first, and I will be very happy to help you find your way here.